Anxiety is a normal human emotion that is based on a fear of uncertainty, ‘what might happen, what could go wrong’. We like to be in control so when some aspect of our lives is out of control, we can experience uncomfortable, sometimes debilitating feelings which can dominate our waking (and sleeping) hours, relationships are ruined, our zest for life is gone and physical symptoms tend to appear too.

The temptation is to deny or run away from whatever it is that is troubling us. This tactic makes anxiety even worse; something in our lives is out of control and now we are avoiding it, so we are doubly out of control. Facing it head on is no easy task, first it requires courage to be honest about the way we are living. Is there something wrong in our relationships? Have we got doubts about our competency and self-worth? Are we taking on too much responsibility? Do we fear other peoples’ judgement? Are we afraid of ill health or dying? Is there a past trauma lurking in the shadows? There can be a multitude of causes and only in facing these head on can there be any relief.

I am there with you in trying to discover and bear whatever it is. Understanding goes a long way towards calming things down. I can also support you in any new choices, including a change in attitude, behaviour or circumstances. Change is never easy and takes patience, but even minor changes can begin a path to feeling better.

Depression can creep up on us and before we realise it all the joy has been sucked out of life. It can be due to loss or bereavement which takes time to recover from because it requires a process of grieving. Sometimes life just feels too much, all that effort is not worth it. Life has lost its meaning. Even loved ones cannot reach us. Withdrawal seems the only answer. There are many reasons for sadness and withdrawal: disillusionment with people, at work, or a situation; ‘no-one understands me, my efforts lead nowhere, I just swallow my feelings, I do not feel I belong, what’s the point?’ This passive stance is all we can manage. The paradox is that opting out, which might feel safe, contributes to depression.

I can help you reconnect to meaning in life by listening with compassion and understanding. We can explore together what is missing in your relationships. Do you have to pretend all the time? Are your needs not met? Are you unhappy at work? Are there any changes that you could make to your worldview to better reflect your current position in life?

Developing an attitude of patience and care, reminding yourself, ‘I count’ can give a sense of agency and belonging. Making sure you are living life how you want to and not through default or ‘making do’, can be enough to bring back participation, enjoyment and fulfilment.

Being in fulfilling relationships is important for wellbeing and meaning in life. Navigating relationships is no easy task as we all have our ways of interpreting actions and behaviour according to our personality blueprint. For example, someone who has a default position of insecurity will always be on the alert for hints of rejection in others, seeing it where it is not intended. Being aware of our own personality idiosyncrasies, owning what is our ‘own stuff’ can help defuse arguments. Knowing when to stand up for ourselves is also important. Difference is not a threat but denotes who we are. Sometimes, setting boundaries to demonstrate our self-respect and to demand respect from others can seem the most difficult thing in the world. Relationships are about negotiation and compromise with a backdrop of compassion and understanding.  Feeling hurt and lonely in a relationship can happen slowly, over time. Not communicating honestly, avoiding conflict, inevitably leads to building distance and resentment. Over time we can no longer see the other person as they are, only our version of who we think they are. They are to blame for the way we feel.

Together we can explore your hurt and alienation, understand what has happened between you and the other to push you apart. Something in the dynamics is not working but it is possible to find out what this is, where it comes from and repair damaged relationships. Or to walk away when necessary.